It’s 9:09 at night. I’m eating ice cream and thinking. Sitting outside Cold Stone, pretty happy with my life choices. My little girl turned 1 on Saturday and we got a puppy. Rylee is teething. I have too much work to do and Cheyne called me out on not truly listening. I’ve projects on projects but I spend a lot of my time telling a baby and puppy not to touch things. If one more household member bites me, I may bite back.
And with all that, I truly feel like I’m in my best season of life yet.
I think I believed that saying yes to ministry meant no to being a happy, peaceful, good mom. Somewhere in my bones I believed “happy,” “peaceful,” “good,” and “ministry” were a pick and choose situation. No one told me this, but it just made sense to me. Being a bad mom and not being in ministry weren’t options, so some buried deep part of me prepared to wrestle with unhappiness and perpetual stress.
As I approached Rylee’s first birthday and looked back on all I did in ministry (I spoke double the amount I usually do), and all I enjoyed with Rylee, I’ve realized my math was all wrong.
My math says “saying yes to God means giving up something you want.” That’s sometimes true. But it sure isn’t always true. And even when true, it’s not the full story.
I’ve been a good mom this year. I’ve been in ministry. And I’ve been happy. And I’ve experienced more peace this year than most other years. He truly is the God of the loaves and fishes. I’ve sat with God, pouring over the math. I’ve said to him over and over “I just don’t see how this works. How can I do all these things?” And time and again as I’ve laid down worry, he’s taken my loaves and fishes and multiplied it.
I’ve been plenty scared. And plenty frustrated. But this has been a year of joy. A year where I’ve felt more me. A year where I’ve appreciated my husband and my family and my church.
It’s one of my life goals to correct misunderstandings about who God is. This is an area where for so long I misunderstood God myself and only recently I’m learning who he is.
He takes. Yes. But he gives. He gives in a way that defies math. In a way that makes you look back and say, oh you Abrahamed that didn’t you? I thought I was giving my son, but you gave yours. I gave the yes, you gave your life. I made the journey. You made the sacrifice.
-1 + ∞ = God math.
My ice cream’s done so it seems as good a time as any to wrap this up: God has been exceedingly good to me this year.
As I move forward, I want to delight to say yes and “sacrifice” because in my experience, giving up my loaves and fishes is nothing compared to a spontaneous dinner party.
Thank you Jesus for the year you gave me. I look forward to the next one.