Dear me in the midst of it, you’re wondering how to move forward. Stuck trying to keep up everything you think you should. Unclear what’s ahead.
Called to the same things, yet tired of paying the price.
You gave everything you had the first 18 months. Now you feel grace has run out and you’re living on fumes.
You began in yielded excitement to the adventure of motherhood. But now you are deeply lost with no choice but forward. There is nothing left to sacrifice only a deeper surrender.
Anxious and very afraid though only the closest know it.
This is what you need to hear.
It’s ok to stop and feel this.
It’s important that you share it.
The end of yourself is not the end of your story.
Grace has not run out, your ability to trust though darkness has.
He is still hanging on to you even when you feel tossed to the sea.
This is not your fault and there is also much you can do. There is much you will do.
Raise the white flag of surrender. Stop running. Stop pretending. Let the full force of exhaustion take you down. Trust that in quietness and rest is your salvation.
Motherhood is a continual journey to the end of yourself. But don’t give up on you. Don’t abandon everything you know about yourself. Release and remember. Keep returning. The things that made you you when you were five are the things that will remake you again. No, you cannot keep them firmly within your grasp, not in this season. But don’t abandon them forever. Return and return again.
Motherhood is deeply spiritual. Deeply formational. The end of yourself is the aim of every saint and you will reach it most days. Your choice is not whether to let yourself get there, your choice will be whether to resent it or receive it.
Lose yourself to find yourself, this is motherhood, if you let it. The sacrificing of your desires and throwing of yourself onto something greater.
Rest in the knowledge that you are not up to the task, nor are you excused from it.
You will have another kid. And in four weeks, another. And it will lead you deeper into sacrifice and you will lose yourself more. But, daughter, the temporary release does not result in forever death. You will come alive in ways you did not know possible.
Don’t let fear steal your future. Submit to the present hard and find your best friend Savior there.
As they cling to you, you cling to him. As they fight you, you shelter in him.
Do what is right, right now. All or nothing is your worst enemy. Whatever little you have to give is enough for today. Trust it.
You will be depressed by what you accomplish today and astonished by what you accomplish with time.
Good things are ahead.
No Comments