“She ate until she was satisfied, and she had some left over.” – Ruth 2
I, on the other hand, was dissatisfied.
I felt anxious and tired but most of all numb. There were too many things to process stacked on top of each other. I felt dramatic for not being able to cope with it. No one had died. I didn’t feel justified in crying over the fact that my toddler wouldn’t sleep and my friends had moved. I felt like I should be grateful but honest and I didn’t know how to do both.
I left my 5 star hotel room and finally sleeping kid. I wanted to write and watch the sunset.
“I’m surrounded by wonder but feel a little empty inside. I feel tired and not me. Like I want to recapture something I didn’t take advantage of when I was young.”
The next morning I read Ruth 2. She was coming out of a hard season. I was too. Her’s worse. Mine still real. She worked hard and received well. I nailed the former, struggled with the latter. She expected leftovers. So did I. I’d been living off them for months now.
Ruth expected leftovers but was satisfied instead. I felt caught between taking care of myself and taking care of others. I was almost offended. She ate until she was satisfied and then somehow had leftovers to share. I Sarah laughed.
Still, I wanted this. I wanted to be satisfied with leftovers. I didn’t want to lower my desires until I was satisfied by leftovers. I wanted to receive until I was full and still be able to share with others. I felt like God was offering me something.
A satisfied soul.
And here I am today, in some very unsatisfying circumstances.
Am I the only one that wishes I had better learned what God was teaching me pre worldwide pandemic? If you’re like me, what’s going on in the world has created a pressure cooker environment. What God was teaching me before, he’s doubling down on. I’m learning to be satisfied in some very unsatisfying circumstances.
Usually in a crisis, I let go of everything and simply survive. Sensing this might not be best, I’m trying a different way. I’m trying to hold on to what God’s been saying pre-crisis, trusting that he knew what was ahead of me and was preparing me for this moment. I suspect the way forward for me is not in abandoning what I’ve been working on, but pressing deeper into it.
How about you?
I hope in the next few weeks to chronicle what I’ve been learning as a way to relearn it. If it helps you along the way, I’m glad! I hope it reinforces whatever God’s been saying to you.